Jokes

The new guy

The new man in town told Mulla Nasruddin, "I have come out here to make an honest living." "Well," said the Mulla, "There is not much competition."

Rent for Apartment

A businessman met a beautiful woman, who agreed to spend the entire afternoon with him for $500.  At the end of the afternoon, the man said that he did not have any cash with him but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her with a note saying “rent for apartment.” On the way back to the office, the businessman started to regret what he had done.  He had his secretary send a check for only $250, with the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed please find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.  I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that, first of all, it had never been occupied before and,  secondly, that there was plenty of heat, and thirdly, that it would be small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.  Instead, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t enough heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.  As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.  Please send the rent in full, or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Sanity Test

Kyacki’s son had been acting a little strangely lately, so Kyacki took him to a psychiatrist.

“Tell me, son,” questioned the shrink, “how many wheels does an auto have?”

“Four. “

“Very good,” said the doctor. “Now what is it a cow has four of that a woman has two?”

“Legs.”

“And what does your father have that your mother likes most?”

“Money.”

The psychiatrist turned to Kyacki and said, “You don’t have to worry about him – he’s smart!”

“He sure is!” said Kyacki. “I missed the last two questions myself!”

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy"
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your! children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.